saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize