I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
