24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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