She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
