I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house