Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
