I wish my penis had an off switch
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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