i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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