do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
