cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
