when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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