I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
