have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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