i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
