But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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