Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
