You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
