Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize