I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
