You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
