I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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