WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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