Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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