Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
