final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
