I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
