you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You pole danced in your parka.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Randomize
