in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
