seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
