I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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