Swine flu. Run for my life!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
