she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
