I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
