I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
