I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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