I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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