If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
