pop tarts are not kleenex
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
