Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Bring me that man meat
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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