I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
