either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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