yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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