I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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