oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
