My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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