You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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