respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
