I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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