i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
