we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
