yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
