i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
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