I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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