quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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