real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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