I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
