They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
