Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
