I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
