Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
